diabetes and joint pain

Omg,
today was damn tiring.
So shag when i got back home...
the day started with me making my own way to school...
In school mrs ng threatened to book me
for my grooming, cause i put all my earrings
on all my 7 piercings.
She made me take me off, but then when she walked away i put it
back on.
She doesnapos;t even book luh, she only say but she donapos;t really dare..
Haha.
idiot luh she..
Then we checked our results to see if we got promoted to express.
I GOT PROMOTED TO SEC 4 EXPRESS
iapos;m damn happy.
It was damn lucky luh
they pulled me up...
But 2 ppl in the class are retaining...
Damn saddddd
then after that we went for the art biennale.
Some exhibition...
Was damn cool...
Fun and all.
But tiring...
Had to walk all around..
The artistsapos; works were very interested.
It was a really fresh feeling..
then we went to the south beach camp place.
So hot and stuffy...
And the place stinks at certainparts.
Cause thereapos;s this art piece made of sugar and the
sugar was rotting.
It was to represent smth.
yes it was on purpose...
It was built like a pagoda and the rottting sugar
collapses slowly.
To represent the disregard of religion in cambodia..
So very very interesting.
But it smells like PUKE.
seriously...
Anw, the art work was really amazing.
very inspiring.
Our facil was quite fun yet lame...
Lol.
then we ended the tour and headed back to school.
Went compass with helena, javi and mariam
for awhile, then i went home.
Canapos;t take it already darn tired...
So then when i reached home i bathed...
And then i slept...
So tiring.
I think i slept at like 3.30?
then i woke up at abt 6.40pm
SO SLEEPY...
haha.
iapos;m still quite blur now...
anw, thatapos;s abt all...
til next time...
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Ok so. Midterms are just killllin me. I know, i know.. It's my fault
For letting myself fall behind so much, but damn. I'm sitting here
I'm screwed, so instead of doing something unproductive, i
Figured i should at least be doing this blog. I guess it's because it's
My first semester at City that I'm falling behind. I mean, it's not
Entirely because of that, but yeeah. Some teachers are just NO HELP
WHATSOEVER in high school, even though we were pretty
Independent, we could always go to teachers for help. I also just
Lagggged like crazy in high school it was never that big a deal,
I always had points shaved off, but it was whatever. In City, it's like
I'm paying for these classes so i gotts to do my best if not,
Then what would even be the point? I don't want to go through college
Just scraping by. Which is probably why I'm so mad right now. Mad
Dissapointed, at myself. I know it's my actions that got me here too,
It's like a battle I can't win with myself. I'm just really stressed
Out right now. I'm also taking the next semester off for family
Reasons. I just don't want to take my break then not want to go back to
College, I just hope I'm motivated enough to coi ntinue on. Welllll,
Hopefully I can just finish this week up. Be done with all my midterms
catch up with everything.

PS. I really did this blog last, but I just realized I titled it under Blog 3 so I apologize for the inconvenience. Thanks.

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..had those days, or those moments in your life where you feel you should be doing something totally different from what youapos;re doing now?� Iapos;ve been feeling that way, so I did a lot of "Spring cleaning" in my life, and home, got rid of some so-called friends that were dragging me down,� surround myself with my loved ones, and now that feeling has left me.� I feel like Iapos;m finally on the right track again, and the fog has lifted. � I guess at one point or another we always get off the path weapos;re suppose to be on, and this apos;feelingapos; is our spirit telling us that we dilly-dallied long enough, and we need to get back on track again.

At age 37, I am heading back to school, obtain my degree that has been as elusive as Bigfoot, and start writing again.� Yes, you read it right, I am going to start to write again. �If youapos;re going to critique my work, all I say is be gentle. LOL



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�Chp 20

ldquo;Do you want to maybe stay at my house tonight just so that you are not alone?rdquo; David asked as we were still driving back from the hospital.� I could see the good intension in his eyes.� ldquo;I wonrsquo;t touch you.� I wonrsquo;t even get close.rdquo; David said.

ldquo;Well, what kind of sleep over would that be?rdquo; I questioned while trying to crack a smile.� His fingers gently slide between mine.� So soft was his touch.

He must have completely forgot about the pharmacy as we pulled up to his house.� I didnrsquo;t bother to say anything I was to worn out.� The hospitalrsquo;s wait was at least three hours if not longer so I knew David was more than ready to get home.� I will just get my medication tomorrow.�� David parked the car, and before I could even open my door he was already there to scoop me into his arms.� He carried me into his bedroom and gently laid me down and pulled the covers over me.� I just hoped the cops were not going to come interrupt us this time.

ldquo;I hope the cops donrsquo;t come for me this time,rdquo; David said with a goofy smile on his face.� I began to laugh. ldquo;What are you laughing about?rdquo; David questioned.

ldquo;I was just thinking that exact thought,rdquo; I said giggling.�

ldquo;Irsquo;ll be right back.rdquo; David said, ldquo;Irsquo;m just going to go get your purse out of the truck.

ldquo;Okay, Irsquo;ll be here.rdquo; I said as David walked out of the room.� I couldnrsquo;t help but gaze around the room trying to keep my mind off of what had happened.� As my eyes wondered through each and every corner, crack, and shelf of the room, they became focused on a picture of David that was sitting on his dresser.� He was dressed in camo holding the head of a deer up off the ground.� I didnrsquo;t know he was a hunter.

ldquo;Heather, we so forgot to go to the pharmacy,rdquo; David exclaimed.

ldquo;We sure did,rdquo; I laughed, ldquo;How did you remember?rdquo;

ldquo;I was getting your purse out of the truck and saw your prescription sitting in the center console.rdquo; David said.

ldquo;Oh, cause I would have never remember,rdquo; I said.

ldquo;Do you want me to run the prescription up to the store real quick?rdquo; David asked.

ldquo;Ugh, you can if you want.� I mean I can get it tomorrow.� Itrsquo;s really no big deal.rdquo; I replied.

ldquo;Are you sure?� Cause I thought you said the doctor wanted you to start your medications tonight?rdquo; David asked.

ldquo;He did, but it really doesnrsquo;t matter.� Tomorrow is another day.rdquo; I said.

ldquo;Irsquo;ll go drop them off tonight that way I can pick them up first thing in the morning.� Is that okay?rdquo; David asked.

ldquo;Yeah, that will be fine.rdquo; I replied.

ldquo;What pharmacy do you use?rdquo; David asked while eyeing the prescription.

ldquo;I use Walgreenrsquo;s Pharmacy,rdquo; I answered.� I could tell he was trying to make sense of the doctorrsquo;s terrible handwriting.� ldquo;Having troubles reading, Nosey?rdquo; I laughed.

ldquo;Sorry,rdquo; David chuckled.� ldquo;Doctorrsquo;s cannot write for anything.rdquo;

ldquo;I know,rdquo; I replied.

ldquo;Even if I could read what he wrote I donrsquo;t think I would understand it,rdquo; David said.

ldquo;Me neither,rdquo; I said.

ldquo;I mean all I can read is prenatal vitamins and then the rest is just scribble,rdquo; David said as he looked up at me with a glazed expression.

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I hate to be in this state.
ughh..i want to get out of it but i keep being pulled down.
no one who even stretch to me to give me a helping hand neither a shoulder to lean on.
i feel so horrible.
everything seems so wrong.
i really miss the life i once had. I keep reflecting on my past and trying to figure it out. I just cant seem to find�the answer but i guess things that have been happening speak for itself.
it hurts. It really does.
im just helpless.

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Chapter Two: The Moreton

John was not the bedwetting type. His nightmares as a child were fairly conservative when he compared them with the other children, during little lunch at primary school. His main fears consisted of odd shaped characters and personalities that sought to twist his mind. One extreme case was Mr Squiggle. It wasnrsquo;t so much as having a pencil for a nosehellip;as it was the fact that it never seemed to run out of lead. No great sized pencil sharpener to blow, or wax, or surgerize such an appendage. The talking blackboard gave him chills, as did the news that Mr squiggle was a man from the moon. But the freaky side of things for John, was Miss Jane talking politely to these strange characters like she grew up with them. John needed a week off school the very first time he watched the show. The ldquo;upside downrdquo; drawings spun his mind. He couldnrsquo;t go outside his house for a month without searching for the strange people who were in on it too. You knowhellip;those people sending the doodles in to the show.

But this was no upside down world John found himself to be in. It was the same modern society he went to bed knowing. Last night, although a terrible night sleep, was just an ordinary night. He would go to bed at a decent hour of the night, and dream or not to dream. What may have been slightly unusual for him though, was the congestion of wax in his ears that clogged his hearing, even during his woken hours. This substance at times seemed to hum to him. A pulse came from it, calming, relaxing and meditative. Alien in particular language, yet familiar, as if it spoke from his own motherrsquo;s womb during incubation. A lullaby almost, that throbbed through his veins and drummed an echo of visions and stereophonic vibrations.

A dense mist came seeping through the door of the apartment. Soon John could not see one inch in front of his eyes. This was not so easy now. His breath shortened and quickened. He should see now, only through the palms of his feet. Stretching forward, tentatively as a cat, searching for a layer of familiarity, he planted one foot in front of the other, guided by the shape of the crack within the floor. Itrsquo;s texture was earthy. A soil like substance protruded through the winding crevice, almost moulding to his feet as he stepped. A sticky residue gripped his foot, embedding onto his soles as if they were the lost dead cells that once belonged to him, now re-igniting the chemistry and unity of the ever changing body.

Soon this newly invented style of walking became like first nature to John. His movement glided across the ground before him, as if hovering upon a magnetic rail. His feet felt light. His senses were numb. His dependency was now totally mutualised by this force from beyond. Not the fog itself. This was dense and solid. He had the feeling of anticipation that accompanied a large banquet with relatives and friends. Where he was heading, he knew, he would not be alone. But, for nowhellip;it was him and only him, and the beyond. Then, through a tunnel of light breaking through the fog up ahead, he could see it. It was deep and congested with magically familiar characteristics. Its arms were many and reached outwards. They sprayed as if searching through space with ownership and absolute assuredness. Each part belonging to the other, but individual in magnitudes and intensity. A spiritual awareness surged from the solid trunk from which they grew. The dense quality once again struck awe inside of John. This object of massive life was upon him. The great moreton bay fig.

By Michael Taylor.
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Yet another sleepless night.

i thought these nights were over.

jokeapos;s on me.

fuck.

iapos;m so goddam fed up with life and
itapos;s ups and downs. I hate walls.
i hate the past. I hate that i changed
and i forgot how to be in rage. I wish
i could rip through a beating heart.

but, those emotions left me with everything
else when i changed. Too little too late.
now i donapos;t have the anger, i donapos;t have the
emotion to deal with these things. Maybe
iapos;m cold? maybe iapos;m numb?

i fear tomorrow.

gapos;night.

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True story:

�im used being the good kind of friend that you always wanted to have. The kind of friend that would listen to your problems. The kind of friend you would look up to be cause i wouldnt do all the stupid things you did but make good choices. I wouldnt hook up with that guy you like or any guy at all, or talk shit behind your back. Id let you tell me who you liked when we were in middle school and high school. And keep it a secret but never tell you who i liked in return. Iapos;d be the "innocent best friend". The girl that could do no wrong. The big hearted best friend you would take advantage of. Id let you too just cause thats how much i cared about you.

iapos;d always be that good friend as the years passed by. Some of you would leave me as if i did something wrong a move on to something or someone better. And i still plasterd that smile on my face and pretend that i didnt stay up all night crying cause a few of you left me. Id still pretend im okay when i was really dead on the inside. And soon ill move away from all of you. And start over in a new town.

i quit you all when i moved to LE. I found some new friends. They became my best friends. But soon it was all the same story. They didnt want me the same as all the others. So some others came and rescued me. Now they were my new best friends so they said. We became close and experimented together when we got into high school. And with those experiments i met some new friends also. 16 when i had my first ciggarette with them. 16 when i started drinking with them. I liked these friends. They made life so much more fun and so much more hard. Check my breath before i go home and make sure my clothes dont smell of smoke. Mom and dad wont notice.

those same friends left like all the rest. A few stayed behind but� im alone like before. This time i have alcohol to keep me company. A few ibeprofine too.� its not that bad. Summer school came around. I made new friends. Didnt drink so much. It was great but it ended too soon. So did most of those friendships. I met my new bestie at a play. We took pills the first night we hung out. We became close friends cause we didnt have anybody. We drank together. Hung out together. Popped pills together. I still had other friends come back into my life too. Not to mention i met an amazing boy. I drank more. Popped pills more. My best friend left me cause i was out of control. I didnt care i kept doing what i felt like.

i was addicted to drugs and alcohol. It made me feel good. It was my life because in the end it was always the addiction lasting longer than my friends did. Someone always left me. No one was ever a constant in my life. I was so used to being abandoned so much that i turned to something harmful to fill the void.

but then........


after being past out on a floor in someones bathroom feeling like i could die at any given moment, someone in my head told me i couldnt live like this anymore. I got a wake up call, a prayer, and a bible� a month an a half after my graduation. i gave my heart to god and he began to fix my life. I got my bestie back even if we arent as close as we used to be after so many hard times, he fixed my relationship with my boyfriend and is helping me try to lead him to christ, and he has given me a more filling life and the best friends i could ever ask for.

[[Psalm 40:2-3]]
"he lifted me out of the pit of dispair,out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as i walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our god. many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the lord."

i believe in god with all my heart. Following him has not been easy but i would not take my choice to make jesus my lord and savior back for anything this world could possibly give me. Through him i am able to do all the things i never thought could happen to me in my life time. I am thankful.


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I have decided on a halloween costume. I will be the original wolfman. Lena said she would help me with it. So i feel confident it will come out well. Shes good at that stuff. This is the first year i have felt like dressing up in awhile(mainly because i have no one yelling at me telling me i have to haha) its gonna be fun. Jessica and dustinapos;s house should be alot of fun. The last few times ive been there have been a blast. And i dont have to worry about anyone being that i dont like.

in other news i have been really lonely latley which is expected. But i want to meet someone new. I want to have the butterflies again. I dont want to have to love someone who doesnt love me back. Its a hard pill to swallow. Nothing bad againest amber she just doesnt. And i have to move on. It wont be easy i know last time it didnt take me long lol but this time around im gonna take my time and find the right girl for me. Not some filler. Not that i feel thats what jocelen was filler i just met her at the wrong time. And there was someone who i liked but they have a boyfriend which completely elimnates me hitting on them cause im not that kind of guy. I just want to take someone out and feel like there not gonna be annoyed with me. Amber(not that i blame her) treats me like im annoying and she always gets frustrated with me its really messed with my mind in the since that i feel like im annoying everyone and they dont want to be around me. I find myself apologising all the time even when it isnt warranted 90 of the time. Anyways im growing and im in no rush.


work has been getting better and better. I like my apt and its starting to feel like home. Its alway nice to have people around. Im happy and i cant wait to start school again. I know its been a longtime and im nervous but ill be ok i always land on my feet. I like who i am and i think i have alot to offer. I see people learning things and going to school and i want that. Watchinig trin go to her massage school and learning all of these things and using makes me jealous honestly and makes me want to be in school so i can say i learned this today. Its a good thing. Well that is all i feel alot better now.



bye








for now

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